For Chayanne's Eyes Only

March 14, 2009

Hello my Darling Man!

I'm sitting here wondering what you're working on and wishing I could see you again. You know, I have to say… I think I'm due for some serious Chayanne action here. A new CD and / or tour would be terrific. The release of Gabriel on DVD with sub-titles would be really lovely. And it's always nice to catch a glimps of you on El Gordo y La Flaca or some other show. But, in all honesty, some of the clips that I see on those shows kind of leave me feeling I just ate a bite-sized Recess Peanut Butter Cup … a little guilty for indulging and a lot like I wish I could finish off the whole bag.

I really can't imagine what it must be like to always have to be ready to have your picture taken all the time. I know, I know…. you are the MOST photogenic person on the planet, but still… do you ever get tired of it? I mean, seriously, it is physically impossible for me to take a picture with all of my facial features and all of my body parts operating in unison with each other or even with the central nervous system that I call a brain. Here's an example:

This is the best shot out of thee… I'm looking at the camera… I've got the smile in place.. the guy is counting us down… threeeeeee….. twoooooooo…. oooooooonnne! And at that EXACT second, my tongue decides to make a break for it!

And thus, I will never be a model... and it's a shame really, because I know 5'2", A-cup, 47 year old women are all the rage in the modeling industry.

Another thing… while I’m here and on the topic of your fame and how you handle it: do you ever get to the point where you don't want to know what people are saying about you? I mean… I know you don't hang out on the boards every single day and watch us all type out "did you see that picture of him getting out of his car? Really?! He got OUT of a car?! That's soooooo cool!!! What did he do then?!"

But I think about some of things I've written or read on the Chayanne fan boards (one of the reasons for my "no drinking and posting" rule!) and I actually start to edit myself. And then I say "yawrite, like he has nothing better to do!" But you know? Even if I were to become some rich and famous model or karaoke singer on the Ellen-D show, I don't think I would ever stop checking out the boards to see what people were saying about me. But that's just me... my world, is the world! And for that reason, I really do think my cats understand everything I say, especially when I meow it to them. I do believe that everyone talks to an imaginary friend. I know my husband secretly wants to play "model make-over" after drinking, blue eye-shadow and all (after all these years, he still denies it!). And I believe you come in here and read my letters. And I really hope you like me. At least the part of me that I share with you here. Not the part of me that sits at my computer and types and works and although I'm usually dressed in something, I don't always look like a model. Sometimes, I'm pretty sure I don't even resemble a human. And I look up into the eyes of one of the 27 pictures and posters of you that I have hanging on the walls of the "Offical ChayanneRocks Office" and think "what if he is looking back at you"? First thought is usually "oh shit!" but then I answer "naaaaaa, that would just be creepy". And then I go get dressed and comb my hair.

And Still,
Your Anniee
(admit it... you're wondering if I'm dressed as I type this.)

February 10, 2009

Hi Chayanne,

I refuse to allow another day to pass without writing to you. I don’t have a lot to say, or at least not much that I can say here… or to you… or to the people who sneak in here for the wonderful guilty pleasure that can only come from reading a private message from a love sick fan to her idol. Not that I’m sick with love. I’m 47 years old. That would be just silly. But I do love you and I think about you every day and I love watching you and listening to you and looking for you and laughing with you… you’re just plain fun! Okay, maybe a little love sick…

Truly, I am sorry to have neglected this area of our "relationship". To tell the truth, I've been just a little on the pissy side in the past year. While I don't generally like to suppress feelings, I also don't like spewing my discontent all over my family and friends, imaginary or otherwise. With the singular exception of my husband, who is paid quite handsomely to receive my spew, spittle and all.   He handles it all with amazing skill, patience, love and Kleenex. It's just one of the reasons he got the job. Other reason’s LB got the job:

He looks like Jesus

He’s smart like Rainman

He’s generous with money, acceptance and laughter

He’s naughty

He adores me

So really, you can see it’s not all doom and gloom in the land of Anniee. For one thing, I have a naturally joyful nature that will not allow a day to go by without finding at least one opportunity to laugh out loud. I believe my life will always reflect the smiling eyes of the people I love and the strangers who just don’t know how to respond to me.

When I last wrote you, I was eagerly anticipating Gabriel and it was well worth the wait. You were beautiful and tragic and fierce and naked… it was a truly entertaining experience. I can’t wait for the DVD to be released; Cathy and I intend to watch it together and to marvel over your every little thing… from the wicked fangs to the bat wings to the Infant a la King to the beautiful way you sank to your knees and begged for redemption.

Cathy came to Colorado to see me and I managed to drive her to the top of Trail Ridge Road in Rocky Mountain National Park. I think the wild life in the park can sense that Cat is from a far off Universe called “New York” and are thus drawn to the “Strange New Yorker in the Wilderness”. The first time I took her up to the park, we were gifted with a large Elk who trotted right past us as we shopped in Estes. And then he just stopped to take a good long look at Cathy. And the last time I took her up there, a whole herd of Big Horn Sheep with their lambs went out of their way to pose majestically for her as she sat by the side of the road and whispered “what the hell are they?!”

( I know it looks like she has her arm around me but I'm really holding her up!)

And soon after that came Vivo and OMG!! We LOVED it Chay! We watched it together over free long distance from the “New AT&T” and it brought back so many happy memories of the joy and excitement of seeing you in person in 2007. I really, really, really want another turn. You’re my favorite ride and I want an all-day-pass so I can enjoy the ride over and over and over.

I’m always out here Chayanne…always Your Anniee

April 18, 2008

My Darlin’ Chayanne,

I’m going on the assumption that you actually read my letters. And with that being the case, I’m going to assume you are wondering “Where’s my Anniee? Why hasn’t she written me in so long? Doesn’t she like my new hair style? Is she afraid of Vampires?”. Creepy how I can just get inside your head that way, eh??

Your hair rocks! It’s the same look you wore when we were in Brazil that one time. I know you don’t remember that time because it only happened in my wicked, little day-dreams so you will just have to trust me when I tell you that you had a very good time.

Vampires are hot! Although I have to say I have merged You + Vamp many times before so it’s not a new equation for me. If you need to practice that seductive bite, I’m an experienced Vampire Victim and I’ll give you a good rate :) Here is a picture from my Vampire Victim portfolio. I wasn’t supposed to smile, but he makes me really happy

.

This brings me to the reason I’m not writing you lately. I have this thing about making you laugh. Making you smile. Making your eyes fill with glee. I know that everything I say to you does not always have to have these effects on you, but for now I prefer it that way. And right now, I’m working on some other stuff that is many things, including creative and productive and pretty amazing… just not really joyful.

You are never far my thoughts and always in my heart. Please try to find a way to carry on without me *wink* I’ll be back in a few weeks and I continue to support you in all that you do and all that I imagine you are!

Always and Forever,
Your Anniee

February 27, 2008

Oh my Darling Man!! You totally ROCKED Chile!! I felt it all the way here in Colorado!! I really regret not going. At the time, I didn't see how I possibly could go, but now I am wondering how I could have ever passed up such an opportunity! But I can't be sad... not with your performance and beauty still vibrating in my heart :)

I'm getting ready to go see Cat in New York. She is the not the only blessing in my life that your energy has brought me, but she is the certainly the best. We will drink a toast to your success in Chile as we watch DVDs of you... and then we'll toast your dancing, your talent, your charisma... and as we move into the second bottle of wine, we will start toasting your beauty, and by the third bottle, we will probably be toasting the pure sexiness of your knuckles. It's our way and we will wake up in the morning sore from laughing so hard. So "thank you" for that.

And as I get ready to hurl my body through the air at unnatural speeds, I need to make sure that I tell everyone I love how much they mean to me. It's what I do and it drives my husband and daughter crazy but they (and now you) just have to suck it up. It's all part of that "planning to die" thing I told you about. What I realized this morning was that my last letter to you wasn't very positive and I needed you to know that I forgave you as soon as I saw you again. Well actually, I realized that I didn't have any cause to be mad in the first place... funny how girls never realize that until after they throw a little fit, eh? I don't know how you guys manage to put up with us? Anyway.... I love you Chayanne,

Your Anniee

February 9, 2008

Hey Chayanne. You should know that you and I are fighting. I have to say it is not one of the most gratifying fights I’ve ever had. For one thing, you are not even aware that we’re fighting. And another thing, a good fight usually involves some really hot “make-up sex“ but that’s not in our future so I’m kind of losing my momentum here. My husband is usually pretty good about filling in for the “make-up sex” but right now he is just running away from me. That’s always good for the ego.

Last night, after weeks of being off carbs, he lured me into a den of tortillas and tequila; I now realize that he was probably just trying to save his own life. Either that or he wanted to take a shot at some of that hot make-up sex. He is really clever that way. In fact, he’s been taking advantage of you for years now. He thinks you’re the best thing since sliced bread. But I bet you hear that all that time.

WHY are we fighting, you ask? Well, I don’t really have a good reason but I’m a girl so I reserve the right to be crazy. The bottom line is that I’m really sad and I want you to come home. I want you to do more concerts so I can come and stalk you in my mostly harmless and oddly loveable way. I miss you.

It wouldn’t take much to get me to forgive you though - I’m pretty cool that way Chayanne… always willing to kiss and make up :)

Your Anniee

January 20, 2008

Hi Chayanne! Damn, I miss you. You should come home soon. I know you’re on vacation and have other fans in other countries and actually enjoy spending time with your family, but can I just say: “Do Me! Do Me! Do Me!”?

Truly, I’ve been okay. Dieting off the holiday weight gain. Working a lot. This week marks the annual “Run Screaming from the Jobsite” extravaganza! It’s my job, every year, to take inventory of every single computer owned by the City. Seriously, Boulder is not huge, like Miami, but it’s not tiny either. We are talking about 1,573 computers (I know this for a fact). Now I’m tired, sore, blind and crazed. Not that anyone noticed.

Other than that, I’m just shopping for slippers. I really love a good pair of slippers (socks too!) but I’m kind of picky. I have small feet, but I like things to fit my feet “snuggly”. And I don’t like wearing children’s stuff either so please don’t suggest that. Every year or so, I go on the hunt for the perfect pair of slippers. I usually have to buy and try about 16 pairs before finding something that works. I justify this by saying “I’ll take the ones that don’t work back”. But I never do. I have a whole basement of stuff I never took back to the store, including a case of beeswax (probably better not to ask).

Other weird things I do:

Whenever possible, I eat with my fingers and it’s actually possible to eat with your fingers more often than you might think. I try to behave when in public, but if I’ve been drinking, just make sure there are plenty of napkins. By the way, I think you would make excellent finger food!

I don’t get “lost” but I get “turned around” easily. Inside of a building is worse and when I’m away from Colorado, I pretty much need a trail of crumbs. I’ve lived my entire life in Colorado and I’m so used to having this giant wall of mountains (a.k.a. the Continental Divide) marking “due West”, that if I don’t see them, I have to walk in circles a few times before I can figure out which way I’m going. Watching me get off an elevator is always a treat. The way I look at it, I have a 50-50 chance of turning the right direction… which would be great if I wasn’t always second guessing myself… getting off, going the right way… turning around and heading the opposite direction… realizing that I was going in the right direction but not willing to turn around until after the elevator has cleared the floor… and then finally deciding that if I keep going I’ll eventually come full circle again. When you think about it, it’s probably why I always lose weight while on vacation. I should start a new exercise craze… just imagine the sales from the videos alone!

I hate having dirty hair. It’s not unusual for me to take two showers a day and do nothing but wash my hair. This started in high school, when I was informed in some class that people didn’t wash their hair “way back then” (dark ages?) because they didn’t have running water and/or shampoo. This little tid-bit of information ruined my enjoyment of most all historical romances and I’m sure what would have been a brilliant career as a historical romance novelist (which was my “big plan” at the time). I’m not afraid of germs…. I actually like most germs. I have a GREAT immune system and not getting sick is one of the few things I do WAY better than Husband #3. Oh sure, I’ll act all sympathetic when he is sick and cook for him and go buy him medicine (with gleaming, clean hair) but on the inside, I’m feeling very superior in a mutant kind of way.

I love looking into other people’s houses when they don’t know it. Not in the creepy, “buy night -vision binoculars, stalk back allies and get attacked by dogs” kind of way. But rather in the mostly harmless “ just like to walk at night and sometimes happen to look up and see into someone’s window and stop and watch with fascination” kind of way. I’ve seen some good stuff, I don’t mine telling you.

I plan my death. I’m not suicidal… far from it. But I like to plan and you only get to die once. I don’t want it to be in a nursing home, high from drugs, forgetful of things that used to make me joyful and with dirty hair too boot. I want to be attacked by a bear with two hungry, baby cubs when I’m 72 years old. Something like that would be cool (but really difficult to plan for).

I meet people on the internet. It’s true. It’s where I met you. It’s where I’ve met many friends, including my best friend, Cat, in New York. I’ve met a few lovers, despite the long standing warnings in regards to all the perverted ax-murderers on the internet; that’s just a myth. I don’t even own an ax. And I’ve met one husband.

Well, there are other things but I’ll let you digest that much for now.

Come home soon Chayanne; I need you too so please don’t forget me. We (Cat and I) are ready for you. Name the place sweetheart… I’ve been planning J

Peace and Love,
Your Anniee

December 24, 2007

Merry Christmas Chayanne! I imagine you’re home in Puerto Rico by now, enjoying the holidays and your family. I say that because that is what I have heard people typically do this time of year. I wouldn’t call what I do during the holidays as “enjoyment”( although I’m sure some people do get a kick out of watching the crazed blond with foam coming out of her mouth trying to find the perfect gift for the cousin she rarely talks to but drew her name out of the “Secret Santa” hat). There are very few people in my family that I actually enjoy, but only because they’re all crazy and not in the “mostly harmless” way that I am (see last year’s Thanksgiving entry). Generally, there are three people and three cats that I “enjoy” Christmas morning and sometimes not even that. For example, my husband almost died last week… that would have narrowed down my Christmas shopping list considerably!

How did Husband Number 3 almost die? I almost killed him (again). I don’t usually fantasize about killing my partners in their sleep, but this was an unusual situation. If it makes me seem less like a bitch, I felt really guilty about it later… well, much, much later… but still.

In my defense, I am not a morning person. 9:00 AM is the crack of dawn to me and you are not allowed to end any of your sentences or comments to me with a question mark unless I have had my first cup of morning caffeine.

I got up late and #3 was already gone (he is a morning person… figures). I race for the shower, only to discover that I had no hot water. Since hubby and I had just had a conversation about issues with our plumbing the night before, I thought I would call him because… well, there is no “because” so just “because”. I had only begun to expound on how horrible the situation was when he yells into the phone “DO I NEED TO COME HOME?!”. Well… not only am I not used to this tone from him but being yelled at is not one of my many skills. The nicest thing I did all day was to hang up on him before I said “not unless you plan on stopping by the ER and reserving a room”.

About 10 minutes later he calls and says “before you go to work, you should go down to the basement and smell for gas. If you smell gas, leave immediately and call 911”. I was speechless. I mean, why shouldn’t I go check for gas now when I stand a chance of surviving it?? Now I’m up on the third floor and terrified to go downstairs where there is evil gas lurking! Oh this day is getting better and better! I start calling down to my cats, thinking that if there is a gas in the house, surely they will succumb to poisoning long before me; after all, at least two of them weight less than me. All the cats come running to see what special treat I plan on feeding them so I figure if they still have appetites, they must be fine. So I headed down the stairs and into the basement, the whole way thinking “it would serve him right to come home and find me dead on the floor with dirty hair”. Usually I’m content to just shop AT him, but that morning I honestly was fantasizing about dying AT him. I didn’t know that his fear was that I would blow up. That whole “as soon as you get a few spare seconds, can you please go check for a little ‘ol lethal gas leak as I wait within the safety of my office 30 miles away?” really had me fooled.

And “yes” I was really worried about some hot paramedics coming into my home and finding me with dirty hair. If I die from gas poisoning, I want to people to find me in a graceful heap on the floor with my golden locks artfully splayed out around my head. I’m not like you… you could pass out in the mud after running 20 miles and whoever found you would valiantly try to give you mouth to mouth for an hour before even considering calling 911. If it was me, I would be posing in your arms and asking strangers to snap a picture before the ambulance got there. And although I’m digressing, I want you to know that this whole section was much funnier before I edited it to make me sound a little less like a necrophilliac.

When I came home that night, limp, dirty hair hanging around my tired eyes, #3 met me at the door with the good news that the hot water was back on. I had stopped off at the store and bought Christmas presents at him. It got my mind off of how angry at him I was and how much I “enjoy” Christmas. So I let him live another day. See how kind and forgiving I can be? I only waited until he was in the middle of shower before starting the dishwasher one time before letting it go. I will admit to you, since no one else reads this, that the hot water never was broke. I was turning the wrong handle. I wasn’t drunk and I have lived in this house for nine years… and for some reason I woke up that day and just forgot how to operate the shower. I’m blaming it on my son-in-law.

But now I’m clean. I’m ready for Christmas. My family and cats adore me, despite the fact that I’m a scrooge, that I'm grouchy in the mornings and I can’t operate my own shower. It’s all going to be okay. I hope that wherever you are, that you’re clean and happy and adored!

Merry Christmas my Chayanne, I’ll see you next year!

Your
Anniee

P.S. Please come home and do some concerts in the US! I miss you!!

November 29, 2007

Hi Chay,

Guess what? I got a cold. It’s only remarkable because it’s the first cold I’ve had in over 11 years. Thus, I’m remarking on it. And I’ve never had the stomach flu.

Typically, I tend to blame this kind of stuff on my son-in-law, but I think I’m going to have lay this one at your feet. You got sick so I got sick out of empathy for you. I used to work as an Admin for a national ambulance company. The EMTs and Paramedics were always trying to get me to do a “ride-a-long” with them, which I might of done had it meant what I thought it meant at first. But no… it just means I get to ride in the ambulance and go to all the accidents and heart attacks. My husband said: “Absolutely not! If you got called to a bad accident, you would stand there and bleed to death out of empathy!”. Shrug, you know what they say (they, meaning my husband)? Your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness. Why does everything always come in two? Strength and weakness. Sun and moon. Good and evil. Boy and girl. God is weird that way, but I don’t argue. More often than not, God knows what God is doing.

It’s all good though. Trying to cough up organs is actually breaking up the monotony of my life. Do you know what else might help break up the sea of routine that my life has become? A concert. Maybe two. Won’t you please come home? Just touch-down within 2,000 miles of me and I’ll be there, ticket in hand. I’ll be missing a few body parts, but nothing that you would actually notice, being as they were on the inside. Maybe I’ll be able to fit into my old jeans without all the pesky organs.

I love and miss you Chayanne!

Your,
Anniee

November 11, 2007

Hi Chayanne! I just got home from Cozumel… what a beautiful place that is… and what a wonderful time I had! Besides eating, drinking and sleeping, I strolled hand-in-hand on a wonderful beach with my best friend and I even managed to squeeze in lots and lots of diving. Truly, a magical time for me.

I did have a few “issues” with the diving… I am still a novice after all. The biggest problem occurred when I allowed LB to talk me into doing a night dive. I didn’t think much of that experience and aborted the dive. I might try it again some night, but not on a drift dive… nothing like barreling into reefs that you can’t see and just narrowly missing an interesting bonding opportunity with a grumpy crab.

So as I sat shivering on the boat and feeling like a baby, I think I actually heard the boat captain call me a chicken (un pollo?) on his two way radio. I’m rubber and you’re glue… I’ve been called much worse. My first dive instructor said that I had “chicken legs” because I do happen to have the whitest legs in all of Mexico… or Colorado for that matter. I actually think I’m the whitest Chayanne fan in the world. I have learned to avoid the “Big Ball of Cancer Baring Fire in the Sky” with all the determination of a snowman.

So besides “snowman” and “chicken”, here are few other names my friends and family have bestowed on me:

Danny (husband): Honey, Baby, Punkin, Wife, Sunshine, Scwewy Wabbit, Little Acorn Brown, Nut, Fruitloop, George, Bitch

Daughter: Mom, Mama, Mamacita, Mother (I think it’s physically impossible for her to call me that without some amount of eye-rolling), Bitch

Leslie/Sister: Sissy, Chickie, Bitch (always with a full-bellied laugh)

Cathy (the same Cathy I introduced you to in Las Vegas): Pisser (ask her, it’s a New York thang), BFF (best friend forever), Evil Little Bitch (just today as a matter of fact)

Cat: Meow, Now-Meow, Bitch.

Boss/Beth: Brat, Twitch (cross between “twit” and “bitch”)

Internet names I have used: Teil, SOBH (don’t ask), softsub (really don’t ask), ShiftingColors, SweetBitch.

You: Masoquista. Don’t deny, I have it in writing.

La Prensa: Una pregunta de la misma fan que quiere trabajar por besos (aquí se oye Chayanne riéndose), has visto a una mujer estallar en llamas por conocerte?

Chayanne: OH MY GOD, masoquista! No, no, no ni la quiero ver, ni la quiero ver. (Riéndose). No, no,no, que se quede tranquila allí, que con besos y abrazos resolvemos. ( Moreno, Lucy. “Chayanne, el boricua consentido, ‘Cautiva’ los corazones de fans alrededor del mundo”. Tele Guia 02 October 2005: 7, 11.)

That was a misunderstanding, by the way. I forgave you because it’s somewhat true and despite not being able to speak Spanish, I have it on good authority that I was promised a few (that’s plural) kisses and hugs.

Peace and Love,
Your Anniee

P.S. That offer to work for kisses is still good.

October 10, 2007

Hi Chayanne,

It feels so good to be able to sit down and write to you. I’ve been keeping my eye on you, of course, and I’ve had a lot I have wanted to say to you so I’m happy to finally be blessed with five minutes of time to write. I’m not saying that I have actually been given the time… I’m saying there are dishes in the sink, meowing cats, ringing phones, thirsty plants and unanswered emails. Let’s just see how many of those things go away if I ignore them for the few minutes it takes to tell you I love and miss you.

So here’s a personal question for you: Do you YouTube? I LOVE YouTube! I have even been known to post a video of you there once or twice (I know… I’m just full of surprises). Once I posted a video of you but I titled it in Puerto Rico and it was actually in Argentina. But in my defense, you were looking devilishly handsome in both concerts, singing the same song, and wearing the same shirt. And then there is that whole “I don’t speak Spanish!” thing. Let’s be honest, I struggle with English sometimes too.

I actually think it’s pretty clever to have one wardrobe to wear while you’re on tour… it sure takes a lot of guesswork out of the day. Getting dressed is such a chore for me. Every day I have to go check the weather. Once I know how cold my toes are going to be, I pick what shoes to wear. Then I have to pick the pants to go with the shoes, the shirt to go with the pants, the earrings to go with the shirt, and finally, the lipstick… all in that order. Sometimes I step over to the wild side and reverse the order just to see what I get but if I can’t find out what weather is for the day, I just go back to bed.

Okay, back to you. In this YouTube video, you are singing Y Tu Vas and you don’t know the words… you’re actually reading them. And all of a sudden, something hits you in the face! It knocks the words right out of your head (not that they were buckled in anyway) and it’s obvious it stung you pretty bad. (Note to Peekers: I know you’re here, I see you. Put away your Voodoo Dolls, I’ve already cursed the culprit into the 9 th circle of hell)

Great… moving right along. What hit your face??? I always assumed it was a thong (or a “beautiful flower”, depending on if this is a “morning show” or not). There is another theory that it was a rose. I didn’t think anyone could throw something that hard and fast so I concluded that it had to be something elastic and shot at you.

Enter the magical world of video editing and analysis. The incident in question was captured in four frames (see below). This is where having a very geeky husband comes in handy (there are other times too, but let’s not go there right now). Using a frame rate of 30 frames per second we determined that the approximate distance between frame one and frame two is 14 inches so the speed of the thing is 420 inches per second (14 X 30), which converts to 23.86 miles per hour (420/17.6). Thus, it could have been thrown by a very healthy person (but not likely in my humble opinion). But it’s too small to be a rose or a pair of panties. My handy-dandy geeky husband concluded it was a rubber-band. I can’t stand the thought of someone shooting a rubber-band at you so I’m sticking with my whole “thong theory”. There is an actual bet between The Geek and me, and although I’m not a very competitive person, I really don’t want to wear that pink wig and nurses costume again so do you think you could help me out here? I would owe you one… okay, make it two.

On a more personal note: my health is good, surgeries behind me, family is happy, cats are fat… and I just bought myself a new car (thanks to the afore mentioned geeky husband). I hear you are getting over your little cold / laryngitis, which is an answered prayer of mine. Please keep taking care of yourself sweet man… I’m not done with you yet.

With much love and not a single rubber-band,
Your Anniee

August 30, 2007

"I want to have your baby"??

Women really say that to you? Wow. Do you think it's true? I mean, maybe it's true. I don't know. I can honestly say that I have never thought "I want to have your baby" when looking at a good looking man. The closest I ever came was thinking that you and Shakira should hook up and populate the world for the rest of us but I didn't say it out loud because that seemed a little disrespectful (as my daughter is always reminding me: "Mom!! Inside thoughts!!). Seriously though, I've had a baby and not once that whole night did I think "wow, this is really hot!" I'm just saying.

Not that I'm a big expert on what to say to you; I have wished for a "do over" more than once since Las Vegas. But honestly? Holding you close to my heart was a shining moment in my life, just as giving birth was. And still… I still don't want to have your baby.

But don't despair Chayanne, there are "other" things that I can think of to do with you! Shall I list a few?

Go hunting for arrowheads and petrified wood.

Kiss the freckle just in the middle and below your left eye.

Sing to you.

Write a book about you.

Make you loose your temper at least once (maybe more, depending on how good at it you are).

Have you teach me Spanish.

Go hiking. Do you get altitude sickness?

Curl up adoringly at your feet and purr.

Go camping and do some illicit but totally harmless and organic drugs. Maybe dance naked underneath a full moon.

Make you laugh. I'd figure out something.

Swim hand and hand with you at about 30 meters in some nice, warm Caribbean body of water. You should know, of all the things on this list, this is the one that's going get my husband jealous.

I had to delete this one because, in writing it, I found something else that makes hubby jealous. Who knew?

Teach you some unconventional uses for ice and rope. Or if you already know that, maybe you have a few tricks you could teach me?

Take you for a drive over Trail Ridge Road into Grand Lake to the Stage Coach Saloon for a cheeseburger and homemade Root Beer (my treat!)

Go shopping for a car (your treat!).

Cure world hunger. I have a few ideas but right now most of them are illegal; is that problem for you?

Free all the animals at the local circus, replacing them with Michael Vick and Larry E. Craig.

I'm not saying that I would want to do this, but did you know that, according the “Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader”, 10% of the population has actually picked someone else's nose? And people say I'm weird! Especially my husband after I actually did pick his nose. But that didn't count because I was aiming for his ear.

Eat meat. As a carnivore, I'm on the "endangered species list" where I work in Boulder.

Tell you a few things about myself that would explain a lot of things about me. (I would consider it a personal favor if you did not run screaming from the room).

To be truthful, some of these things are not actually possible; for example, I really cannot sing. I'm not even being humble either. The only person I will sing in front of is my husband. He can sing. But he thinks it's adorable how badly I sing. Weird, huh?

My point is that, while I would be thrilled to do stuff with you, I do have boundaries. I just wanted to get that out there just in case you got any ideas.

I love you Chayanne,

Your Anniee (who really, really wants a "do over"!)

July 22, 2007

Hi Chay,

You may not know this about me but I have been playing a sadistic and expensive game the past five years called “Cancer Whack-a-Mole”. Do you know what “Whack-a-Mole” is? It’s a game they play at carnivals. I guess you probably haven’t been to too many of those. I used to like them because I like funnel cakes and carnivals and rodeos were the only place I could get a good funnel cake but now I can get them at the Boulder Creek Festival every year and one funnel cake per year is about all I’m capable of metabolizing. If you have never had a funnel cake, then next Labor Day, come on back to Colorado and I’ll take you to the festival. We will have Indian Tacos, Elephant Ears, Kettle Fries, Lemonade and Funnel Cakes. We’ll invite LB so he can push the wheelchairs we will need after eating all of that.

Anyway, Whack-a-Mole is a game where there are all these little toy moles that pop their heads out of holes and you take a big mallet and bop them on the head but as soon as you bop one, another one pops out of a different hole and you just keep bopping them on the head. I don’t know what qualifies as winning or even what you win because I never played. I don’t particularly like moles, not that I have anything against them, I’m sure they are fine, but I just don’t have a lot of exposure to them and I just really have never had the urge to bop one on the head.

About five years ago, I went in for my annual physical and there were some concerns and “we” took care of it. But after that, every time I even went within a mile of a doctor, they would say “ummmm…. It’s probably nothing but we will want to run some tests to make sure”. Statements like are always followed by the doctor hacking away, little by little, at my body parts. But no sooner do we hack at one thing and something else pops up. I’m tempted to quit going. That’ll show them. “Them” being the doctors. I know it’s not their fault, but I don’t really have anyone else to blame. I have a pretty healthy life-style. I don’t smoke, watch what I eat, try to exercise regularly and wear sunscreen. I don’t have any family history of cancer. I don’t think I live on top of a nuclear waste plant. It’s just stupid. A big ‘ol stupid carnival game that I never liked to begin with.

[RANT_ON]
And while we are here, can I just say that if we can fly men and monkeys to the moon, why can’t we find a better way of taking a picture of a woman’s breast?! I’ll tell you why!! Because we are not trying hard enough, that’s why! I think every man should be required to go stick their “pata pata” between two pieces of glass and then squeezed really hard… and then I’m betting we would find a better way… that’s all I’m saying.
[RANT_OFF]

Okay, back to you Chayanne… I’m telling you this because sometimes I neglect you. Sometimes I don’t feel like laughing or being joyful or singing or dancing or lusting. Those are the times I reserve for doing other things with the real people in my life. Not that you’re not real and not that you’re not in my life… you’re just not a real person in my life. Yet.

Don’t worry darlin’ I’ll be back in a day or two… I’m really bouncy that way.

Peace Out my Chay,
Your Anniee

June 16, 2007

Okay Chayanne, I can explain! It wasn’t entirely my fault that I froze up… partly my fault… but not entirely.

You see… I had practiced what to say. I had practiced and practiced and practiced… I almost got kicked out of my marriage for practicing in bed what I was going to say the first time I met you! It ranged from “Hi, I’m Anniee from Colorado and you rock my world!” to “where do you go SCUBA diving?” to some really interesting things that I won’t repeat here because unless you are coming to this page several times per day, we are not alone!

After I got word about the “meet and greet” I decided to wait until I got there to figure out just the perfect thing to say to you. And it worked out well too! When I got to the room where I was to “meet and greet” you, there was a long line of people in front of me…they were lined up along the wall… way, way, way into the back of the room, across the back wall of the room and then back up to the front!! I had plenty of time!

But then you walked in the room!! I kept my promise not to burst into flames or loose control of other body functions but I never promised you that every single thought I had ever had would leave my very blonde head. All I could do was stare at you and think “wow!”. This is, as it turns out, a very appropriate word to use when seeing something so beautiful for the first time in real life, as I learned the other day when I drove Cathy (you remember her?) to Rocky Mountain National Park the other day and she saw Colorado’s beautiful mountains. The word “wow” came up a time or two.

Anyway… there I was thinking “wow” over and over and over and I bumped into what I thought was the person in front of me… I turned to apologize and came face to face with myself! It was a fricken mirror!! It wasn’t 25 more people in front of me in line! It was a blessed, fricken mirror!! I was still trying to get my brain to wrap around the fact that there were NOT 25 more people in front of me but only about 5 people in front of me and a fricken mirror!! And then!! And then!!! Everyone in front of me (all fricken 5 of them!) joined you, as a group, for a picture!!! Okay… I don’t have any cute pretend-cuss words to insert here. The only thing I could think of was “shit!! I’m next! Oh shit! Don’t say “shit”!! Anniee don’t you dare say “shit” to Chayanne!” And then it’s my turn. “Hi Chayanne, I’m Anniee from Colorado….” And there was supposed to be more… but then I was holding your heart next to mine and thanking Spirit for your wonderful energy. As we took our picture together, I forgot to look at you. I forgot to thank you. I even forgot to say ”shit”. But I did NOT forget my manners… as I said the very next thing that came to my blonde mind and turned towards the tall, beautiful woman next in line and said “and that’s my friend, Cathy!”. I swear, a three year old could not have done a better job. But I promise you, my thoughts of you later that night were not those of a three year olds.

I would love to promise that next time I will do better but given all of the options of what could have been said and done, I’m going to call this a really wonderful first meeting and pray for many more. How much worse can it get, after all?

But you should know… you really, really, really rock my world!

Peace Out,
Your Anniee

P.P.P.S. Seriously, sing whatever you want.... I'm not going anywhere :)

P.P.S. And Bailarina

P.S. And Sin Palabras De Relleno!

May 23, 2007

Hey Chay! Just a few more weeks and we'll be together again in Vegas!! I'm so excited, and yet, I'm really afraid... more nervous this time. I'm not sure why except to say that I sometimes worry that I’m not a very good fan. It's not that I don't love and adore you. I don't even have to tell you that I do, because you're not just another pretty face and you know how I feel! But I have never been a "fan" before and sometimes I think I'm missing some of the finer points, like "fall in love with a celebrity who speaks the same language you do". I know I miss a lot on the message boards and in chat. Stuff like that.

But here's the thing: do you remember when I told you that I am a kinesthetic learner? Basically, I can only learn something by doing it. Which means that I almost always get it wrong the first few times. This is only an issue when I'm trying to figure out things that have major life-changing consequences, like "How to Pick a Mate" or "How to Drive" or "How to SCUBA Dive".

I'm not sure how you got your certification to dive, but I got mine while in Mexico. LB and I had gone down to the Mexican Riviera and we had nothing on the agenda but to snorkel, eat, drink, sleep and [fill_in_the_activity_you_know_belongs_here]. However, we got sucked into a SCUBA class halfway through our week-long stay, which turned out to be a good thing in the end, but we almost died in the process. In the first place, trying to learn to SCUBA dive in three days is just NUTS. In the second place, it dominated all of our snorkeling, eating, drinking, sleeping and fill in the blanking time!

This is just one example of what it's like for me, a kinesthetic learner, to learn something new: how to dive. It's our first dive. It's LB, me and Andrea (our hot SCUBA Instructor from Switzerland ). But, also on the boat is another instructor, and he is taking a group of five divers down for their third dive. Oscar (another dive instructor) and the non-english speaking boat captain round out our little party. But the current is really strong so they had us go down on a line. Andrea says to me "you go right after your husband and I'll be at the end so whatever you do don't let go of the rope and wait for me at the bottom.

So, off I go… down the rope I go... down, down, down... and I start having problems with my ears at about one meter. So, I try to clear my ears but I'm doing it wrong because I always do everything wrong the first time (it's really not as charming as I'm making it sound!). So I try to go back up the rope but the person above me didn't get the memo that we were all going back up and he kept kicking me in the head. I'm not a big fan of being kicked in the head so I just think to myself "self, get out of the way of the head-kickers and then you can go back up the rope". So I let go of the rope. Woopsie! The current had it's way with me and before I knew it I was not within reach of the rope and it looked like I was going to ride the current out to Cozamel for a time. But then came SUPER-Andrea to save my ass! (She was also a Rescue Diver). She hauled me back to the boat and sat me down. Now, here is something I bet you didn't know about Dive Instructors: when they are trying to teach you to dive, they are all sweet and kind and helpful and smell good and wear very reveling bathing suits. But if you disobey them and almost die, they get downright grouchy on you!! "Sit here and stay in the boat!!!” she yells at me. I just kind of stared up at her with wonder in my eyes because I always tend to develop crushes on anyone who saves my life. "STAY IN THE BOAT!!" she screams and, as much as I'm sure would have liked to have stomped off, her diving gear, fins and double D's made that pretty impossible but she waddled on off that boat just like a pissed-off girl!

Meanwhile, back at the bottom of ocean, is my husband. Andrea gets to the group who is all waiting for us and they proceed with the dive. Or they would have, except my husband is having this nagging feeling that he is missing something, like his WIFE! So he says to Andrea, in as much as you can say something underwater with a breathing apparatus in your mouth "where is Anniee?!". She told him, in the same Charade-ish language, that I was back in the boat and that she was now his new dive buddy. I'm guessing you caught the reference to the double D's so you are probably also guessing that my husband didn't put up too much resistance.

Back on the boat: did I mention that I get motion sickness? I'm turning colors that I didn't even know exist while waiting for the "real divers" to return. Oscar, who is watching the certification commission slip away, is trying to convince me that I will feel better if I get back in the water. At first, I declined, but Oscar was a big handsome, near-naked man and I was starting to feel my lunch come up, so I go back in the water. Now Oscar is taking me down, down, down.. ouch! ouch! ouch! My ears are giving me problems again. So we go up, up, up. Oscar explains to me, again, how to clear my ears. "Oh!", I say, "you're supposed to hear that high, whistling noise?!" (Welcome to the wacky world of kinesthetic learning!)   Down, down, down... high whistling noise... down, down, down, high whistling noise… down, down... what's that? Baracuda!! WOW! And a turtle!! COOL!! Now Oscar and I are hand-in-hand and I'm actually SCUBA diving! How cool is this?!

Meanwhile, back on the boat: six divers and two instructors all land in the boat at the same time. Most everyone is saying things like "did you see that parrot fish?" and "what kind of reef did you sit in?" But my husband is saying stuff like "WHERE THE HELL IS MY WIFE?!" It took him a few tries before he got Andrea's attention who was able to ask the captain and the captain was able to tell them that I off diving with Oscar. At this point, I think Danny was glad I was alive only because he was looking forward to strangling me later on in the privacy of our room.

By the time we were all back in the boat, almost everyone is chattering away about what a great dive we all had. Except Andrea... she most definitely stomped off that boat at me. But a few days later, as she signed off on my certification and we gave her a nice tip, she seemed to forgive me. And a year later, we hooked up with her again and she was happy to see that I had really improved with practice. Happy ending.

And the moral of this story? It's either:

I should find an English-speaking celebrity to fall in love with?

We should go SCUBA diving together?

There is no moral for this story because it actually started out to be a story telling you about my adventures in painting my bathroom.

Although option 1 might make my life a little easier, I'm really quite hopeless where your concerned so I'm afraid you're stuck with me "buddy". But don't worry; I'll get better at being a fan as long as you keep giving me opportunities to practice! And it wouldn’t hurt, if in Vegas, you leave your shirt open a tad bit longer and sing Lola!!

Peace Out My Chay!
Your Anniee

April 27, 2007

Geeze Chayanne! I don't even know what to say to you any more! I'm just full of you. your voice, your eyes, your smile. and now your kiss! That was a really good kiss; thank you. I once asked you about spontaneous human combustion (look it up) as a joke but now that I have seen you in person, I'm not so sure. I could totally go up in flames! But you should not let that stop you from meeting me sweetheart! I really am very well behaved and I would love to return the kiss! I don't think I remembered to kiss you back when you blew me that kiss. I was too busy falling down.

The concerts in Florida were so unbelievably AWESOME and I'm still floating from your passion and energy! I still get a tight knot in my stomach whenever I think of certain looks, songs, scenes. just every thing! And not the kind of knot where I have to ask my husband to pull the car over really fast either! More like the kind of knot where I have to tell my husband to slow the car down, hang on to the steering wheel and watch for cops! It's a good thing, trust me.

And can I just say that you have some really great staff?! I met both Elliot and Corey; they are both totally hot and really sweet! Do you think they would like their own webpages?? Cuz I'll do it!! I will! You know I will! I didn't see Paula (that I know of) but I saw your beautiful family and I loved the connection you shared with them during the Miami concert! I have experienced great loneliness in the past but now I have great love and passion in my family so I know what a wonderful gift that connection is. and I know you know too. I also saw Patty. I have to tell you, she intimidates me a bit. why does she always look so tense? I hope she is happier than she looks; I know she does an awesome job for you!

Okay, so Vegas will probably be our next chance to hook up sweetheart. I know that when I buy concert tickets that I am not buying a meeting with you or even a kiss. but I still hope. and hope and hope and hope.. That's just my way. I can tell you that I totally got my money's worth in Florida and I'm sure I'll float on a cloud of ChayEnergy out of the Vegas concert. but just in case you want to blow me another kiss, look for this hat!

I love you Chayanne; you ROCK MY WORLD!
Your Anniee

March 23, 2007

Hey Chay! I don’t have much to say but I never let a little thing likethat stop me from typing a three page email. I really just wanted to let you know how much I’m enjoying all your work lately. I swear, I watch all the new concert footage and I cannot believe that I am finally going to get a turn! In fact, I’ve become very “focused” on the concerts and in finally getting to lay my eyes on you in person! It’s starting to affect some of my relationships though. This is what it’s like to have a conversation with me lately:

Husband: Anniee, do you know where my green pants are?
Me: I think they are in the closet, towards the back, next to the shirts. Do you think they will have t-shirts for sale at the concerts?
Husband: I’m sure they will.
Me: How many do you think I should buy?
Husband: I’m going to go with “one”?
Me: So “three”?
Husband: That should do it.
Me: Per Concert?
Husband: Are they different each concert?
Me: Do I know?
Husband: Three total.
Me: So two each concert?
Husband: Where did you say my green pants are?

Boss: Did you purchase the March computers?
Me: Yes.
Boss: How come they are not marked with the purchase date in the database?
Me: I did mark them!
Boss: All I see in the date field is “Chayanne”? And it’s misspelled?
Me: Oh! Hmmmmmm… That is odd! Must be a glitch. I’ll take a look at it.

Kitten: MEOW!
Me: What’s wrong kitten?
Kitten: Meow??
Me: Did I forget to feed you again?
Kitten: Meow!! Meow!!
Me: Woopsie! So sorry… just let me check my email real fast.
Kitten: MEOW!!! MEOW!!! MEOW!!
Me: Oh lookie here! A new video of Chayanne in Argentina!!
Kitten: [rolls her eyes]
Me: I just love those pants, don’t you just love those pants?
Kitten: [flops down on the chair]
Me: I think he wore those pants in Chile… let me just check on that and then I’ll feed you.
Kitten: [snorts]
Me: Those are the same!! Hang on… I just need to call Cathy and tell her!!
Kitten: Bitch.

But besides my family, boss and pets, no one has noticed a thing.

Peace Out Chay, See you in April!!

Your Anniee

February 26, 2007

Hey Chayanne! I won’t even ask you how you’re doing because I can see for myself that your really doing great! All these pictures and clips coming out from your tour are so wonderful and you are doing a fine job flavoring my days with sweet anticcccccc……ip…ip…ip…paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa……… tion! Only six more weeks and it will finally be my turn!! My turn to be in the same room with you, my turn to try to make contact with you, my turn to stretch out my arms to you as you sing (to just me?) and to feel your wonderful energy. Waiting for this opportunity has taught me a little about patience and a lot about waiting for Spirit to provide the right time and space for our dreams to come true.

So Cat and I were discussing what “items” we might try to smuggle into the concerts that we could hand up to you if we could manage to get by the “Goons” guarding the stage. I know they are just doing their jobs and all… but I see girls handing up flowers and stuffed bears to you all the time so I know there is a way around them… care to share? Because, trust me Darling, I’m all ears if you do!

What did we come up with? Well I won’t share with you what Cat’s idea was but it was a shockingly funny thought and visual image; I doubt she will ever get to do it though, so if you want to know what it was, you will just have to make the time to connect with her and try to coax it out of her… I can tell you it would be worth the effort.

And speaking of Goons and Cat, she asked me to give you a message regarding the way you lay down on the stage with that “come and get me” smile in your eyes and then when she tries to reach out for you, you block her with brick walls posing as bodyguards. She cries “foul” and wants two “foul shots”!

I’m really stumped as to what I can give you… I would really love to give you some Colorado Columbines but they’re pretty fragile, not to mention that it would be illegal. If I’m going tospend my “Emergency Bail Fund” for something I do at one of your concerts, it’s not going to be for trying to hand you up contraband agriculture that was illegally smuggled over state lines - you will just have to come to Colorado for that. We do have lots and lots of prairie dogs? No? Well, I can’t really blame but you should know they are a lot cuter in person than in their pictures.

Right now, I can’t think of anything I can give you more precious than what I’ve already given you Sweetheart… and that is the special place in my heart where you live, laugh and love with me every second of every day. I can’t really “hand that up to you” but I know you receive it all the same. But just in case… you should be prepared for a prairie dog.

January 20, 2007

Well Chayanne, you might have warned me that buying tickets to one of your concerts was going to be so exciting! And you know me… if one is good, two is better and if two is better, three is great and if three is great??? I can’t even finish that sentence without getting slapped with divorce paper! But three is really great, don't you think? Yeah, me too.

Concert One (Orlando): On-line with a special friend who works for TicketMaster. I know I should have waited for Paula to help me out but I didn’t know then what I know now… I mean I knew Paula would do her best to make sure the fans got great tickets and all… but I didn’t know she had Super Powers. She’s really awesome Chayanne; thank you for her. But back to me.

Both me and TMB (TicketMaster Bird) are in a private chat window and logged into TicketMaster as we try to get seats in the “Sweat Zone” (close enough to the stage that any flying sweat might hit us). Following is a much edited log of the conversation; what you can’t see is how good I was typing despite the fact that I was bouncing in my seat a good five feet! Names have been changed and sentences have been deleted to protect the guilty.

TMB (9:55:59 AM): ok 5 min get ready woooooooooohooooooooooooooo

[EDITED] LOT’S OF TYPING ABOUT HOW “CATTY” WOMEN ARE AND HOW “WE” HAVE OUTGROWN ALL THAT; MEOW.

annieerenes (9:56:36 AM): I'm ready!

annieerenes (9:57:11 AM): still getting the Not Available message

TMB (9:57:14 AM): YEP

TMB (9:57:17 AM): sorry caps

annieerenes (9:57:22 AM): np

TMB (9:57:28 AM): screens i use for work are usually caps

TMB (9:57:43 AM): including the one i'm trying to
grab tickets from

annieerenes (9:57:53 AM): I don't take offense at it and I don't
think it's rude like some people do... they are caps, no more, no
less

TMB (9:58:00 AM): right

TMB (9:58:13 AM): ok, i'm gonna be quiet now trying to do this

TMB (9:58:14 AM): good luck

annieerenes (9:58:30 AM): I prefer to wait for someone to really
try to harm me before getting pissed

annieerenes (9:58:32 AM): cool

annieerenes (9:58:34 AM): me too

annieerenes (9:58:40 AM): make it so number 9

TMB (9:58:43 AM): lol

TMB (9:58:47 AM): k

annieerenes (10:01:51 AM): f6?

TMB (10:01:56 AM): no way'

TMB (10:01:57 AM): lol

annieerenes (10:02:04 AM): should I keep trying?

TMB (10:02:11 AM): NO

TMB (10:02:14 AM): i got some

annieerenes (10:02:23 AM): you got what??

annieerenes (10:02:27 AM): what did you get?

TMB (10:02:30 AM): man, there are alot buying tho

TMB (10:02:34 AM): i got two choices for you

TMB (10:02:39 AM): floor 1 row b

TMB (10:02:43 AM): second row

TMB (10:02:56 AM): or the first row of sec 113

annieerenes (10:03:02 AM): darlin' what would you pick?

TMB (10:03:01 AM): lol gee i wonder which one you'll want

TMB (10:03:05 AM): floor

annieerenes (10:03:11 AM): get 'em!

annieerenes (10:03:12 AM): floor

TMB (10:03:12 AM): as long as you are in the first 5
rows your aces

annieerenes (10:03:13 AM): now

TMB (10:03:15 AM): i have them

annieerenes (10:03:30 AM): so now you want a credit card number?

TMB (10:03:34 AM): just a sec

annieerenes (10:03:39 AM): okay

annieerenes (10:07:25 AM): I know your busy

annieerenes (10:07:28 AM): but I have to type

TMB (10:07:30 AM): LOL

annieerenes (10:07:32 AM): you don't have to respond

[EDITED] INSERT CONVERSATION ABOUT HOW I’M ON THE PHONE WITH CATHY

TMB (10:08:10 AM): just another sec

annieerenes (10:08:24 AM): I'm not the most patient person on the planet

TMB (10:08:25 AM): start typing your info

TMB (10:08:29 AM): name on credit card

TMB (10:08:31 AM): billing address

TMB (10:08:34 AM): phone numbers

annieerenes (10:08:38 AM): okay

[EDITED] DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DELETE MY CREDIT CARD INFORMATION FROM THIS POST? YEAH, ME TOO.

TMB (10:10:25 AM): ok, havent charged ya yet...let me
confirm your seating stuff

TMB (10:10:44 AM): floor 1

TMB (10:10:46 AM): row b

annieerenes (10:10:53 AM): is that like second row?

TMB (10:10:53 AM): seats 33-38

TMB (10:10:55 AM): yes

annieerenes (10:11:04 AM): how will I get the tickets?

TMB (10:11:05 AM): i was in second row in miami

TMB (10:11:12 AM): lol one second, i'm getting there

TMB (10:11:22 AM): let me do the sales pereson thing hahaha

annieerenes (10:11:39 AM): okay... I'll just do the excited fan
thing and bounce away

So in case you missed it Chay, I’m in the SECOND ROW, SEAT 38. Just in case you want to send some sweat my way.

Concert Two (Miami): This one was also very exciting but for different reasons. I’m going to leave most of this out because it demonstrates how much I was lying when I said I wasn’t “catty”. I did go through the company you hired to handle the event and I ended up with SEATS 9 – 13, SECOND ROW (again, I’m just trying to be helpful… I don’t want you to get too distracted looking for me while your performing). I also ended up with THREE new ChayFriends! Far Out, eh?!

ConcetThree (Vegas): Okay, this one got me in a wee bit of trouble with LB. It started innocently enough. LB really loves to play poker and since he makes more money than he loses, I’m fine with this. And because I know he has been interested in going to Las Vegas to try his skills at the tables, I asked Paula for the Secret Password. I went into TicketMaster just to see what there was to see. I didn’t expect to see great seats in The Golden Circle. But after discussing it over with LB, we decided I was being too selfish and that we should at least wait until after Income Tax Season (not to be confused with the equally expensive but way more fun Holiday Season). I went into the CasaChayanne Chat the following afternoon and was telling everyone about my near-hit with the Vegas tickets and Ayles (you know her… beautiful, blonde Amazon from New Zealand?) wakes from her slumber and starts YELLING at me!

GIRL, YOU GO TO F****** VEGAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And she meant it! I was so frightened of what she might do to me that before I knew what I was doing, I went to TicketMaster and bought two Vegas tickets (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it). Then I had to call Cathy to tell her we were going to Vegas. And then I had to call LB and tell him that I had decided that since he had been so sweet and generous with me, I wanted to take him to Vegas in June. His eyes rolled back in his head and I haven’t seen them since but I’m sure he will be okay by June; after all, he is going to need to see the cards in order to win at poker.

But you know? When I got my seat assignment from TicketMaster, I wasn’t IN the Golden Circle. I was BEHIND the Golden circle. These are quite different places, no matter what language you speak. I wrote to Paula, not really thinking she would be able to help, but do you know what?? She ran into a phone-both or whatever it is SuperHeros are doing these days and turned into SUPER PAULA!!! By the next day, I had tickets in the FIRST SEAT OF THE SECOND ROW!

So, there you have it. Three concerts, three second row seats. Three opportunities for me to see you in person. Once, a long time ago, I promised you that if I ever got to see you or even meet you, that I wouldn’t burst into flames, that I wouldn’t pee my pants and that I would play nice with the other fans. I’m a pretty good promise-keeper Chayanne. So what do you say? Don't you think it's time you give me a chance to hold you and to tell you to your face how much you mean to me? Yeah, me too.

Peace Out,

Your Anniee

December 24, 2006

Hey Chayanne, how’s it going? So this is Christmas. Every year is different so every year I wait to see what Christmas will look like. December is really one of those months that just fly by, because it’s such a busy time. As if the holidays were not enough, I celebrate not dying for a whole year on December 7th. And I bake cookies… this year we (my husband helps in the sort of way where I’m lucky if he lets me wash the dishes kind of help, not that he’s gay) baked 1,200 (give or take) cookies… it would have been more but we had to throw a batch out because I messed it up. But I only messed it up a little bit… it tasted great (not like the time I accidentally substituted olive oil for vegetable oil in the Almond Poppy Seed Bread; don’t do that, that was bad) but they didn’t look good and our cookies are meant to be gifts so we wouldn’t want to give away an ugly cookie, right? You should know, my husband is going to read this and hit me upside the head because I’m actually being passive aggressive about this years annual “Christmas Cookie Fight” which was about whether or not we could give ugly cookies for gifts. He will forgive me by next week though because he has to because it’s our 10th Wedding Anniversary. He wouldn’t dare be mad at me on that day.

But don’t you worry!! I am not giving you cookies, ugly or otherwise (because I know you wouldn’t eat anything that came from “that crazy, non-spanish speaking fan in Colorado) and because I wanted to give you something extra special and unique. So I bought you a sheep! Your welcome!

Please don’t panic… you are not going to find a sheep with a big bow around it’s neck on the front steps of your office. That would be harmful to the sheep and I pride myself on staying just on this side of the harmless/crazy line, although sometimes I have to be gently nudged back by my family members. The sheep I got you is on it’s way to a third-world country where it will be given to a woman who needs a way of becoming self-sustaining.   I wanted my gift to be meaningful to you and I know you have a tender heart for people who struggle. My heart usually goes out to the critters and women so this worked out well, don’t you think? Me too.

I have to scoot now… Christmas Eve and all that. I’ll write more about my concert-buying adventures next time. We are going to have sooooo much fun!! I’m coming for you Chayanne, in that mostly harmless way of mine!

Merry Christmas my Dearheart.

Love,

Your Anniee

November 24, 2006
Hello my Own and Precious Chayanne. How was your Thanksgiving?? Mine was really good. I had a small gathering. I actually have a large family (getting married three times will do that) but most of them are crazy so we just kept it down to the few people who don’t make me roll my eyes out of my head and plop into the gravy.

My day started out with two phone calls from friends and family whom I love but they couldn’t come to my house for Thanksgiving because I make them roll their eyes out of their heads and into the gravy. But they were calling to tell me that they heard you were going to be in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. “That’s weird”, I thought, “he is in Mexico??? Why would he be in that parade?” Well, as it turns out, there is another singer named Cheyenne… some young girl who needs to change her name. I mean, last time I looked, Tulsa and Minneapolis and Louisville where all wide open!

One of the calls was from my sister (in Walters, another name that would be a really unique name for an up and coming female singer, don’t you think?) which was really sweet, considering her eyes pretty much glaze over whenever I try to talk about you around her… she has some “stuff’ going on in her life so I forgive her. Every one else in my life gets super excited when I talk about you though (because they love me and I get pretty animated)… I’m sure Sis will come around.

Another person who called me… Cat (a.k.a. “harmless stalker fan in a baseball cap” mentioned in an earlier post), got two phone calls telling her to drop all holiday plans and watch the parade…. Which she was perfectly willing to do except her son, who came home for the holidays, was actually looking forward to some kind holiday feast with family or some shit… and so she called me to see if I could TiVo it… which I did, even though we knew it wasn’t you… but what if it was you (you do like to keep us guessing!) and if we didn’t TiVo it even though we were told you were going to be there… we would be laughed right off the boards!

And who called Cat?? Well one of the people is someone who only knows your name because Cat talks about you from time to time (like any time she opens her mouth) and the other person was Terry, from Washington D.C., of “Dance With Me Abuelita” fame, who got a call from one of her friends who isn’t a fan of yours because of some missing, critical, biological urge to reproduce and she heard that “Cheyenne” was going to be in the parade. So… the map is from:

Soon to be extinct DC lady to

Dance With Me Abuelita to

Harmless Stalker Baseball Cap Lady to

Boulder, Colorado Anniee who is mostly harmless and who loves you dearly.

Now I doubt Miss Cheyenne Kimball would actually change her name just because it’s an issue for me but I have Googled her and, as it turns out, she has two eyes still in her head and two ears to match! So I’m thinking, if you were to ask her, I just bet she would say “yes”.

Just whenever you get around to it Dearheart.

Peace Out,

Your Anniee

November 3, 2006

I looked for you last night Chayanne but I didn’t see you? You doing okay? I understand why you didn’t want to go, but I was disappointed. Any chance you would give us a special show? Just a little song and dance… and bring those misbehaving buttons :)

Seriously, I am so proud of you and I’m really glad that the Latin Grammy people recognize that you are a superb artist and performer. I just can’t wait to see you in [fill_in_the_city] when you perform there in [fill_in_the_month].

Soooo, speaking of seeing you, I have been having some interesting conversations with some close friends about our first meeting. By “our” I do mean you and me baby. Many of my friends have met you and most of them have kissed your cheek. They all talk about how “present” you are and they talk about how good you smell. Wouldn’t that be an interesting epitath for your tombstone? “Here Lies Chayanne: husband, father, son, brother and Sex God who smelled really, really, really good.” Feel free to use that if you want to.

My concerns about meeting you are not the same as others expressed. Mine primarily being that I will be one of 500 you meet on a single afternoon and how ever will I stand out? And the concerns of other people? Just those silly concerns from people who know me… and from those who think they know me. Some worry that I’ll be inappropriate… which is likely, but nothing that will warrant a restraining order. Although, my daughter is a little worried about security. She has a vivid memory of us going through the security at the airport in Cancun. It was soon after September 11th and they were searching bags. My husband and daughter had gone before me and my husband had the keys to the locks on my suitcase. I asked the young, good-looking, gun-wearing man if he would like me to unlock my suitcase. He looked up at me and I smiled. He said “no, that won’t be necessary”. I said, “are you sure, that’s where I keep all my cocaine?”. I winked. He laughed. My husband lost two years of his life as he tried to calculate how much bail money I was going to need. My daughter lost the contents of her bladder. (Not really). I hope your securityguards are good looking and possess some sense of humor.

Other scenarios that people worry about… the full-frontal tackle, that I might sing to you, that I might pee my pants, that I will whip out a lighter and catch myself on fire. But I know something they don’t know sweetheart. I know that you are perfectly capable and very willing to handle whatever an adoring woman throws your way. That no matter what I do, you will handle it perfectly… with grace and humor. I know that I’ll walk away from the encounter knowing that I not only met you, but that you met me! Your non-Spanish speaking, non-pyromaniac, Boulder, Colorado, adoring fan who couldn’t resist giving you one tiny little pinch right on the [fill_in_the_body_part].

Your Anniee

October 5, 2006

Chayanne!! I have missed you so much! I went on vacation for a whole week and I meant to take you with me but it just didn’t work out. I have a little Media Player and I loaded it with all my faves… you singing, you taking off your shirt, you talking, you dancing, you taking off your shirt. I tell you, I was ready. I get on the plane and being as we didn’t die in the take-off, I was just turning you on (claro, that pun was very much intended!) and my whole world came crashing down around me as I realized that my little Media Player wasn’t going to work… I think you melted it! It just went “bye bye”. It was all I could do not to start bawling but LB just hates it when we are starting out on a romantic vacation together and I start to cry over another man. He is pretty indulgent but there are some things he can be very unreasonable about.

I managed to get through the week by doing lots of SCUBA diving, lots of snorkeling, a little drinking and I even managed to do some “Chayanne Surfing”. What is “Chayanne Surfing” you ask? It’s looking for “you” of course. I do it in the grocery stores as I always manage to deter down the magazine isle hoping to see your beautiful smile jump out at me. I do it at the Wal-Mart as I meander my way through the Latin Music section; I always grin because it feels so sweet and naughty to see your face looking out from the CD covers and feel your presence as I remember how we spent the night (trust me, you had fun *wink*).

And I do it on the beaches of Mexico. I knew I wouldn’t see “You” but I thought I might someone who reminded me of you. And of course, there was not anyone as wonderful to stare at as you… but there were a few close calls if you looked really, really hard… and trust me… I looked really, really, REALLY hard. But don’t be jealous my love, after traveling nine hours and several thousand miles, I came home last night and my poor abandoned cats barely got a “hola” as I leaped over them, suitcases, stairs, chairs and husbands to get to my computer so I could “turn you on” once again. Sigh. Next time, I’m taking hard copies!

Peace Out,

Your Anniee

September 3, 2006

Dear Chayanne,

Do you celebrate US Holidays? I bet you celebrate all the holidays from every country, don’t you? Common, you can admit it… it’s just between you and me.

I don’t really “celebrate” many holidays. I observe them by not going to work… maybe sleeping in…. a lot of times I “celebrate” by spending time with family members who I don’t really like but that’s the price you pay when you get married three times…. lots and lots of relatives. I’m not particularly patriotic or religious. I just think we should all do the best we can and be kind to whoever or whatever is in front of us… hard to make a holiday or Hallmark card out of that.

But Labor Day is kind of cool. Nice way of saying “thanks for your contributions”. No war involved, no body dying for me, no body being born for me, no over-spending on things that people don’t want or need but would be hurt if they didn’t get… just “thanks for your contributions… go play”. I like that.

Yes, I said three husbands. I’m a kinesthetic learner… I learn by the act of doing. Whenever I talk about Number Three, women almost always say “you’re really lucky” and I reply “luck had nothing to do with it, I practiced!”. And although I mean that, I don’t mean to say that I don’t feel blessed. I treasure and adore my husband… he likes that sort of thing.

I know you understand that. I have watched the videos of you and yours together when you don’t know the cameras are on you… you are expressive and loving… you kiss, hold hands and all sorts of random touching and connecting. I’m glad you’re well cared for Chay… fan adoration, while profitable and pleasant, can only carry you so far… and not nearly far enough. My husband once said to me “Our love is big and fat because we feed it often”. You strike me as a well-fed man. Bravo Sweetheart! Next time your in Colorado, I would like give you a little snack or two! *WINK*

Peace Out,

Your Anniee

August 19, 2006

Good Morning Beautiful,

I hope you are having a good weekend; mine is mixture of pain (from my recent efforts to build enough muscle to escape sharks and killer turtles during my next SCUBA adventure after months of doing nothing more than strenuously typing love letters to you and the occasional website update) and the never-ending search for You.

I did CC you the following email, but on the off-chance your SPAM filters pick it up, I thought I would post it here. It is a letter to a local sports-caster named Drew Soicher; he is really funny and has that certain “twinkle” in his personality that I just love in a person… you know what I mean. I know you know. How much of “twinkle” Drew has remains to be seen… I’ll keep you posted Dearheart.

Be well Chayanne, I love you so.

Your,

Anniee

Date: Sat, 19 Aug 2006 09:07:05 -0700 (PDT)
From: Anniee <anniee@chayannerocks.com>
Subject: Looking for an unusual sports clip
To: drew.soicher@9news.com
CC: chayanne@chayanne.net

Hi Drew,

Please don’t hate me but I have never been able to get into sports… I am not a very competitive person, although when I am, it manifests itself in strange ways… but that’s for a different email at a different time and probably to a different person. Even though I don’t really enjoy sports, I love watching you report about sports… you are adorable and funny. I have also been known to watch the occasional sports player.

So speaking of sports… there was a baseball thingy that occurred recently. It was called the World Baseball League, something like that. Anyway, in Puerto Rico, a game was played where the first ball was thrown out by Puerto Rican star Chayanne. The void in my life left my lack of interest in sports could be filled a million times over by the love and adoration I feel for this man. I’m a 44 year old, happily married woman and not given to “crushes” but he is on the list. It’s a impressive list… Donny Osmond, Robert Blake, Sylvester Stallone, John Denver, Chayanne… in that order.

I have a website (www.chayannerocks.com) where I store and share (never sell) my video clips of Chayanne. I would really, really, really, really like to get my hands on some footage of Chayanne at that baseball game but have not yet been able to obtain this clip. I have tried at a few baseball forums, but folks pretty much shut down when I mention the part about me not liking sports. I am hoping that you might take pity on me; you strike me as a man with a pretty open mind who can appreciate the positive energy involved in adoring someone. If for no other reason, you seem like the kind of man that can appreciate the good night my husband is going to have if I actually get my hands on this clip.

Would you be willing to help me or at least be able to point me in the right direction?

Thanks in advance, Drew, for any help you can offer…and for the laughs.

Peace Out,

Anniee

And a few days later, Drew sent me this email... not all I hoped for but enough to keep me watching... how do you guys do that?

Hi Anniee:

Thanks for the hilarious letter, but I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Believe it or not, I did not save that particular clip from the World Baseball Classic.

I did, however, grow up in Detroit with a guy named Rob Stone, who is Donny Osmond’s identical twin, and would gladly try and get you in contact with him if you’d like.

Thanks again.

Drew

August 10, 2006

My Dear Chayanne ,

I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be unavailable to attend any of your concerts the last week of September or the first week of October; if you plan on starting your tour at that time then please do so out of the country, okay? Because I’m still planning on attending your concerts when you’re in Miami, Los Angeles or Colorado.

I really tried to wait until you announced your concert dates before booking a vacation but I ran out of sexual favors.. I KNOW! ME! Whodda thunk? My huband, Danny (aka LB or Lucky Bastard) has finally run out of patience with me. I keep telling him it’s not my fault, that it’s you who has been holding up our vacation for the past year, but he just looks at me with that “I have a straight jacket and I’m not afraid to use it” look. Here is a sample of some of our conversations over the past year:

LB: Now that the wedding is behind us, we can finally plan a vacation!

ME: Yeah! All we need now is to know when and where Chayanne is going to be performing!

LB: Who the? What the?

ME: You remember Darlin’!? We want to go to Chayanne’s concert and meet up with all my friends from the fan boards?

LB: We do? I thought we wanted to go SCUBA diving?

ME: Well, it’s pretty likely that he will be in Miami… I hear they have some SCUBA there.

LB: When is he going to be in Miami?

ME: Ummm… I don’t know.

LB: Ummm…. When will you know?

ME: In February… that’s when he is announcing his concert dates.

LB: I’m not sure I can wait that long to decide.

ME: Is there anything I can do to help you be more patient?

LB: Well do you remember that thing I told you about with the nurse’s costume and the pink wig? And you said you would “think about it”?

ME: Oh yeah, now that you mention it I have been thinking about it… I can’t wait!

Then you announced that there would be no tour this year… following that announcement LB and me had conversations involving wax, various kitchen implements, public parks, practically the whole produce department of our local grocery store, ice, feathers and the always popular straight-jacket. The other night my sister’s name came up and that’s when I went on line and booked our vacation. Do you think I caved too soon?

The good news is, with a few genuine tears and the fact that I booked our vacation at a place with a nude beach, I was able to negotiate a second vacation for just me later in the year. Now I get to keep my marriage AND see you in concert… as long as you don’t screw things up. Don’t screw things up, okay? I’m not the type to blackmail people (I much prefer bribing but I’m pretty sure that is not option with you… right? Okay, just checking) but I do have some certain footage of you getting nailed in the nuts with a basket ball that was thrown by you… that’s all I’m saying.

Much Love Chayanne!

Peace Out!

Your Anniee

July 9, 2006

Hey Darlin’ - how’s it going Chay? Did you have a nice birthday? I personally hate my birthday. People always make such a big deal out of it and all I can think to say is “Oh Yea!! I didn’t die in the last year!”

But I like other people’s birthdays. Yours was especially fun this year. Hope you liked the card; it was a group effort of lots of different people. Funny how things work out - my life revolves around you so everyone whom I have a relationship with ends up having a relationship with you. Even my boss had a dream about you. Not sure how she feels about that but I thought it was really sweet. She dreamt that she saw you and she was disappointed on my behalf because I wasn’t there to tackle you. If she were a “real” friend, she would have tackled you and brought you home with her despite all those pesky kidnapping laws; it was just a dream, after all. By the way, its comments like that that make my husband pretty sure that I’m on some sort of list that your “people” keep. Something like:

Fans to Avoid List

Kathy Bates – Hollywood, California

Guido – Federal Detention Center, Miami

Anniee Renes – Boulder, Colorado

Ricky Martin – In the shower

Tall lady in baseball cap who keeps moving between Spain, Miami and Argentina trying to “accidentally” run into me

I’m sure there are others that I don’t know about. I think keeping a list of potential stalkers is a good idea, but I think it’s a tad silly keeping me on the list. I’m really mostly harmless. I don’t really want my boss to kidnap you and I don’t really catch myself on fire and all I can say about peeing my pants is I was in the ocean and those sharks were bigger than me! And if you can believe that I’m mostly harmless, then you should know, I can personally vouch for the lady in the baseball cap.

Peace Out!

Your Anniee

June 11, 2006

Dear Chayanne,

You have to know by now how much I love “you”. You are my Imaginary Friend and we have spent many happy days together and have had some fun adventures. After a year of playing, loving, spending money and sometimes even fighting with you (I let you win some of the time), I think we are at the point in our “relationship” where we can be perfectly honest with each other, yes? So this is the page where you can come to find out what’s going in my mind. Since you do not communicate with me directly about what’s going on in your world, I will continue to make up things.

So about this whole Crossing Over and Doing More English Thing (CODMET): I accept that you have changed your mind about doing that for now. I think it’s a good choice for you and I really appreciate how you always take good care of your career. It is in my best interest that you remain happy, healthy and satisfied so “Yea You!!”.

However, not doing the CODMET (I knew that would come handy!) doesn’t necessarily mean that you should forget about your fans that don’t speak Spanish, also known as your “But I Don’t Speak Spanish!” (BIDSS) fans. I guess it could mean that if you wanted to be a turd about it, but you are not a turd; I don’t fall in love with turds (any more). Quite frankly, you are loved so completely by so many because you are a sincere and authentic person (and your not half bad to look at!…not even a tenth bad to look at!). So when you invited us BIDSS fans into the magical world of Chayanne, some of us followed without blinking an eye. Some of us kept you a closely guarded secret for a while, but soon the passionate and fun energy that you pumped into our lives spilled out until we would find ourselves running outside at night and screaming your name to the moon… did you hear me that night? It felt like you might have. Most of us eventually found ourselves back on earth with our husbands, our children, our pets and our jobs… for the most part unchanged except the happy little “Chay-Buzz” going through us like a soft current.

We have been good fans to you Sweetheart. Although we don’t have the numbers to make it profitable for you to pursue us, we do still love you and we do still support you. We buy your CD’s and learn the words and the meanings of your songs as we envision ourselves sitting at one of your concerts with our hands extended out towards you, singing along with you and the audience. We live our lives in a society where you are not known among our family, friends and co-workers and at times wonder if we made you up until we can turn on our computers and plug into other people who love you too. We take Spanish classes at night after work with people who are too young to understand that a middle-aged woman’s passions are a terrible thing to waste and/or mock but most of those kids get straightened out pretty quickly. We listen and watch your interviews for hours and hours, not understanding what is being said but relishing the experience of being able to watch your beautiful smile and your expressive eyes… and I personally die a little inside each time you laugh because I couldn’t be a part of it. Then comes that mad scramble of getting the transcripts and doing the translations with every Spanish book known to mankind spread out around us and the sweet victory of discovering what made you laugh!! You once called me a “masoquista” in an interview (with Lucy Moreno, remember?). It took me about 20 minutes to find the word, another 20 minutes to catch my breath and then about an hour to stop laughing. We save up our money and vacation time so we can travel to your concerts and see you from several hundred feet away and imagine that you actually did make eye contact with us. We wish for you and we pray for you.

My point, not that a point is necessary, is that what we lack in numbers we more than make up for with the energy and passion we invest in you dear man. I believe we have value to you and being as we have established that you are not a turd, I know you do too. It really doesn’t take a lot… just one or two words in English from time to time that are meant just for us BIDSS fans. I know!! A special code… something fun and cool. Something to make us squeal so loud our neighbors bang on the wall and our husbands know that they are going to have good night. Something simple like “Peace out BIDSS” or “You’re my favorite fan Anniee”. Not all the time, of course… just enough of the time.

All for now Chayanne; thanks for listening and know that I love you!